Today, I Feel Embarrassed and Frustrated With Myself

by | Jun 12, 2020 | Being Present, Fear, Revolution for Wholeness, Surrender, Wholeness | 0 comments

This week a podcast titled Revolution for Wholeness was released in freedom to roam the universe.

I should be excited, proud, or something like that. Yet, I have experienced a very hard week inside.

Prior to the release of the podcast, I experienced deep unsettled parts of me surface. I felt naked and over exposed. I feared that my family, friends, even my husband might not love me anymore, if they really knew who I was deep inside. I felt sad, like part of me was dying. The sadness I felt grew and seemed to be as big as the whole world’s sadness from a multitude of angles.

I even felt like part of me was dying.

The closest memory I had of feeling this way was when I was lying on the hospital gurney covered only with a thin gown and feeling chilled, as I questioned whether I would continue to exist. This was during the time I almost died and the doctors where going to do surgery to view inside my lung to see if they could find the cause for my illness.

Another story, but I surrendered to light, I lived, and the doctors never really discovered the cause for my illness.

Similarly, I survived the sharing of my podcast and others seeing the truth of me.

Yet, this week has been very hard.

I have swung from feeling inner freedom to feeling fear and worry that others would not like me. Sometimes I felt I would fail to please those whom I loved. Then I realized that not only was I sliding into the vibration of flight, fright and that place where my amygdala runs the show and I cannot connect to anything of a lighter vibration, I was also abandoning true self. Also, I realized that I was fixating on my iPad to see if I got any positive feedback.

Hmmm….

What is the lesson in this?

For me, the lesson was to surrender into my true desire, as I was reminded when I listened to Sinead O’Conner sing the Prayer of Saint Francis. Deep inside I surrendered to my foundational truth that, more than anything, I desired to comfort rather than be comforted, to understand, rather than be understood and to love, rather than be loved.

In an aha moment, I realized that is the way the horses are. They embody and symbolize the freedom of being in the here and now. They often show up as a means of comfort, understanding and giving their love when we need it most.

When we surrender to our inner truth, and seek to love instead of be loved, to console instead of be consoled, to bring light where there are shadows, we build the foundation for a revolution for our wholeness that will ripple out and transform the outer world to be the place we dream of.

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